born in 2000 from asian parents been studying hard art, history of art (antiques), anthropology, philosophy, information and communication, journalism work as a calligrapher, in a plant store, a combini, a wall painter, a teacher, a researcher, a coder/webmaster (try hard) had roles, took many wrong ways always asked myself : who am i ? There are lots of things I like. Always thought i was a pretty open-minded person, attentive, respectful. I don't really express myself to strangers, but have so many things to say. Maybe I am too much, or not enough. Finding a balance, between being social and isolation. I love being alone, but I think i suffer from it. I never been so lucky. I am an average person in everything. Pretty boring, slow. Sometimes it seems that I understand things people don't. Lately I've been sick. Health always has been a meh. Always been a pain for my weak ass body to recovery. Always feeling like it takes longer than other people. I don't like seeing anyone when I am sick, I'm not asking for help. This is how I end up without alimentation, until my mother came because I stopped answering her messages. Hopefully, we still live in the same country. Hopefully, she is still alive. I started to think, that if I die, no one would really know, no one will even come to my funerals, or will not what to do with all my craps, my stuffs, my blogs, my contents. I hope someone connects to my social media and post that "one last message" from me, but who even has access to my phone, or computer. Who even will ever find this. People are not informed, so you have to inform them yourself, right ? Let me tell you : my last wishes (written in 2025), ctrl+ U to get the right format. (soon) I believe people learn from their mistakes. I always like to think about hope in my darkest moment, to try to not face a point of no return, because I suffered a lot and hurt lots of people around me, broke things and then took few step back and noticed that some things can not be repearable. What is done in reality is done. There is no ctrl z. If you hurt anything, this thing will hurt you back. Like the karma. You will suffer for the suffering you give. You will enjoy happiness, if you create happiness. If you give joy, the joy will come back to you. I tried to ask for help. Seriously I needed help. But for some reasons (I really need to determinate that) I will refuse it, and block everything that could help me. But I was wrong, I should accept love, I should accept help, I should accept others. I always wanted the right persons around me. Someone that could devote to me, but this is so egoistic and wrong. I know it, and I was more looking for sincerity, goodwill, real humans than illusions. That what help can prove to us. Sincere altruism of strangers around you, their true goodwill. Trusting humanity rationalize the fact that you are equal as everyone. We are like a soup of microbiorganisms, mixed up in a big bowl, echanging ourselves, being influenced by the flux, movement of a big spoon that accidentely crushed others on the edge. We don't really choose to be what we are, but we must accept it. "Tout être passe par des questionnements tout au long de sa vie. Quel est le meilleur moyen pour (...) Tout dépend du contexte, de la situation, des enjeux... Moi, je souhaite que ma mère, avant de partir, comprenne que j'ai compris, ou plutôt que j'évolue. Que je ne stagne pas. Que je fais de mon mieux. Que je réalise des choses qui me rend heureuse, qui m'aide à avoir confiance sans prétention, qui me guide vers la sagesse et dans un but de contribuer à un monde meilleur. Parfois, mes pensées divaguent et une immense vague de violence monte, je pense qu'elle sait, que mes proches savent que colère me rend déraisonnée, ingérable, impardonnable, sans pitié. Je sais qu'ils savent. Que je peux détruire. La destruction est quelque chose de terrifiant ; un phénomène terrible. "il n'y pas de retour en arrière", je me suis dit. Alors, il faut aller de l'avant. Il faut s'excuser, même si on n'est pas écouté, même si on a la haine, même si on nous rejette. Parce que moi, je ne peux pas continuer à détruire. Si je ne retourne pas sur mes décisions, mes actions et que je ne les regarde pas en face, ça ne s'arrêtera jamais. Comment les éviter ces tensions ? Il y a quelque chose qui se rompt en moi quand ça arrive, mais je ne pense pas que ça arrive sans raison, "comme ça", non. Mon tempérament est calme, je suis lente, à l'écoute. Quand je suis seule, j'arrive très aisément à me gérer. Les tensions, elles viennent de deux forces ; soit on vous tire dessus, on vous menace par tous les moyens, on vous réduit, vous malmène injustement, déraisonnablement. Et alors je sens que ça me blesse, qu'on ne me connaît pas, qu'on ne me considère pas, ou alors, on sait exactement là où ça fait le plus mal. Soit, c'est accidentel, c'est rare. Mais les gens ne font pas toujours exprès, l'être humain n'est pas adroit. Parfois c'est non-intentionnel, parfois ça l'est et alors on vous teste. Les êtres plein de rancoeur vous testent et cherchent jusqu'où ça peut aller. Alors, le mieux, c'est de vous retirer. De prendre de la distance, vous voyez ? Là où personne ne vous voit. Où vous vous retrouvez seul avec votre incompréhension face à la négativité des autres et à votre bienveillance que vous voulez sauver. Repensez alors que vous n'êtes nulle part stagnant, ni bloqué. Vous êtes libres d'aller où vous voulez avec votre esprit. Le silence calme parfois, mais il faut agir au bon moment. Faire face. Soyez juste; sincère avec votre cohérence. Ce qui ne fonctionne pas peut être incompatible, simplement une mauvaise pièce proposée. Le malentendu est un propos mal interprété, et celui qui voudra règler la situation fera l'effort de comprendre des explications rationnelles et logiques. Cela peut vous sauver. Car il n'y a rien dans le néant." My hate is no longer anger and it transforms itself into acknowledgment of experiences I am finally able to memorize. Sometimes, sorrow hits me at night. There are some days more dark than others. We got lots of grey clouds here... but. Even if everything seems so dull, there is beauty in it, a reason, a logical issue that outcomes from our minds to a manifest. You have to have to adapt yourself, sometimes. Into your environnement, life, norms, society. Or you will ended up crushed... Look around you. Take only what you need, if you're too full, leave it. Things are heavy you know. When you are young you must experience life when you feel it. Staying who you are, know that your roots are the checkpoint of your beginning. You can't be lost is you know where you come from, who you are and where you lead to. You can not be lost. Everything can be learned if you seek for it. Be aware, wise and look for the right way. Don't hesitate to ask the way, ask for help. Trust good souls. Learn to be confident. Find you place in the earth. If you love, you will be loved back. Say sorry. Be sincere. Listen. Wait the good moment. Politely decline or accept. Don't run after anything, people who leave you. Say goodbye. Start new. Go back to your path. Enjoy moments of life. Go to sleep satisfied, happy, full of hope, loved, respectful, grateful, inspired. Rest in peace.